The Secret to Finding the Three People Who Will Change Your Life

Three lifeline relationships can change your life.

That’s the crux of the new book, Who’s Got Your Back, from one of my favorite authors Keith Ferrazzi. His message, the vital need for a handful of deep, trusting relationships with people mutually invested in your success.

Now...how to find them?

Often, you don’t need to – these people are already in your life. You just have to make a choice to take the relationship deeper than you have in the past – you have to invite them in.

One of the best ways I know of doing that is what is called the “long slow dinner,” introduced to me by the very first person who gave me a job in the mortgage industry in 1998, Jay Hargarten, former owner of Barrington Mortgage. I describe Jay as the ultimate “relationship manager”. The Long Slow Dinner isn’t about “wining and dining” someone. It’s about getting to know someone in the right environment. You don’t even have to go out to a restaurant at all—especially given that you may be meeting over time with a number of people you are thinking of as potential lifeline relationships. Its main purpose is simply to get people out from behind their defenses, those concentric circles of desks, cubicles, office doors, home offices, living rooms, phones, and computers, that close off people at work and at home.

People at their desks are effectively locked in a cocoon of established behavior. You want to get them away from that. At work, the open floor plans that are so popular nowadays actually frustrate genuine relationships. The no-walls office style is meant to engender efficiency and openness while breaking down rigid hierarchies—and in some ways it does. But I’ve seen it also prevent open communication for fear of who may be listening; it makes some people cling to their desks like life rafts, as the last refuges of safety and solitude.

Try this instead: Invite someone out for a cup of coffee or tea. I’ve even used the couch in the reception area of a company, since it’s typically the quietest, least used space around. Better still is breakfast or lunch outside the office or home. Early or midday meals can be challenging because time boxes you in, but at least they get you away from the physical distractions and clatter of the office.

The long slow dinner, in short, can take place anywhere the two of you both feel safe. Your job during the dinner is, first and foremost, to get to know the other person better – gradually traveling up the intimacy pyramid with them. If your candidate already knows you well, the long, slow dinner is also a time to check out his “candor quotient”: Is this someone who can be honest with you about what you need to change to improve? Try asking, “I’d love to hear if you think there is anything that would benefit me to know that holds me back?” Invite him to take a risk with you, and see what happens.